It Takes Two to Tango

Relationships are two way streets.  Each person puts in the same amount – fifty fifty.  Never jump through anyone else’s hoops, sacrifice your integrity, or change who you are for anyone.  Respect yourself. Be confident and know that you are lovable and perfect just the way you are.

“You have to change.  You’re showing too much skin.  You aren’t allowed to talk to them anymore.  You’re such an idiot.  I can’t believe you did that!”  Women and men are easily manipulated and controlled by someone important to them without having any idea that they’re in an unhealthy relationship.  Although that important person might be a parent, friend or sibling, I am going to focus on what happens when you’re dating someone whose motive is to turn you into someone you’re not.  They make you feel unimportant and diminish your self-esteem. Have you ever felt like someone else is in complete control of your life?  I know I have.

20 Signs Your Partner is Controlling.

Psychology Today

My first serious relationship was with someone who was a few years older than me.  Surprisingly this wasn’t the problem.  Our problem was that our personal and family values were completely different.  I spent a year and a half of my life with someone who told me I was never going to be good enough unless my religious beliefs mirrored his and his family’s.  In his parents eyes, I wasn’t good enough for their son.  The brainwashing had me believing I wasn’t acceptable.  The only way I would be accepted was if I changed everything I stood for. I was being belittled for long-held beliefs. (Psychology Today, #14)

At this point in my life I was 15-16 years old.  Which explains why I refused to listen to my parents when they stressed the fact that nothing about this was okay.  I was caught up in the bliss of what I thought was true love.  Not only did I allow someone to try to change who I am, I was starting to believe that they were right.  Eventually we got to the point in our relationship where he realized that I wasn’t going to be who he desperately wanted me to be and broke up with me.  I was hurt and angry.  I was disappointed and mad at myself for going against everything I believe in. I ignored and broke all of my core principles.  I wasted a year and a half in a relationship that was broken and doomed from the beginning.  We tried to fix the unfixable.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Nowadays everyone wants to show their peers that they are in the picture perfect relationship. #RelationshipGoals.  It doesn’t matter how many adorably sappy love posts you post on Instagram or Facebook.  It doesn’t matter what your friends think of your relationship and if it’s worthy of #Goals or not.  What matters is that you’re in a healthy and stable relationship.  No one knows what’s truly going on in your relationship except for you and your partner.  In other words, don’t try to meet your BFF’s relationship goals.  Create and attain your own relationship goals.

• It is not your job to fix your mate, and it is not his or her job to fix you.  Take this relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you would like to hear.  We can work with what is real.  It is impossible to deal with what is not real.
• If your relationship is not getting better, it is probably getting worse.  Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.
• Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.

20 Dos and Donts of a Functional Relationship

Love who you’re with for who they are, not who you think they should be. Don’t allow yourself to be converted into someone you’re not and don’t try to convert your partner.  “It is impossible to deal with what is not real.”  Your relationship will never succeed if one (or both) of you are pretending to be someone you aren’t.  You cannot fix something that’s broken by masking the problem with something that isn’t real. Be yourself.  Trust your instincts.  Most importantly, never lose who you are under the misguided intensions of someone else.

Always remember the wise words of The Bon, “You do you!”