The Nightmare That Consumes My Dreams

I grew up and lived the childhood that most would view as their dream. As long as I was a responsible and smart kid, I had anything and everything I ever wanted. I lived in what felt like a castle. Surrounded by beautiful, expensive furniture, a theatre, gym, arcade room, and pool. It was the house that everyone wanted to be at, except for those that lived there. What looked like the picture-perfect family was the furthest thing from perfect.

Looking in from the outside, it looked like I lived a fairytale when in reality I lived a reoccurring nightmare.

My nightmare – the devil unleashed from every drop of alcohol that touches your lips.

Things weren’t always great growing up, especially when night time rolled around. The taste of chardonnay would hit your lips and the battle would begin.

Dear nightmare,

I used to look at you and feel scared. I used to fear the alcohol touching your lips. I used to fear what would come after your third glass. I used to fear coming home because I was tired of the same fight and disappointment every single night. I used to take the hateful, hurtful, and disturbing words that came spewing from your mouth personally. I used to hate myself because of all the insulting things you would mumble, echoing throughout the house.

My heart shatters when I think of you. You are supposed to love me unconditionally, support me, lift me up but over the last handful of years you haven’t really been there. At least mentally and emotionally. I’m an adult now. I understand more, I can make my own decisions, I know who I am and who I want to become; but there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel conflicted on whether or not I want you in my life.

You come in like a tornado; out of nowhere and dangerous. Every moment with you is unpredictable. Will a fight break out? Will you be drunk? Are you lying or being truthful? The constant need of attention and sympathy is exhausting and draining. I know in your eyes I can never give you enough. I don’t think you’re deserving of anyone’s attention but you crave it more than the happiness of your loved ones. You drove everyone in your life away, except for me. Yet, somehow you haven’t managed to take any responsibility for the pain that you’ve caused. All you’re willing to believe is that you’re the victim, and everyone else did this to you.

But darling, everyone else gave you all the energy and strength they had. They were left empty and without any fight left in them. It had all been sucked out of them, ignored, then spat back in their faces.

Dreaming of destroying my nightmare. Feeling foolish for being so hopeful.

I have no idea what the right thing to do is, all I know is that the right thing is hardly ever easy. You are, in a lot of ways, the biggest part of me. I have so many aspirations and dreams for my life, all of which I want you to be apart of. Just not like this, not with the emotional abuse, the lies, or the alcohol. Whenever I’m about to come and spend time with you I am so excited. My heart is filled with joy. Then it hits me like a wall of bricks – what if I’m setting myself up to fail?

I desperately want to be what’s right for you, but I’m not always convinced that I am. You need to hit rock bottom. You need to open your eyes and realize you cannot go on like this. You need to destroy the nightmare that hovers above all of us. You need to put this addiction to rest, put down the bottle, open your eyes. You have yet to make any sort of adjustment. You’ve surrounded yourself in a web of lies, I’m not even sure you know what’s true anymore.

My heart breaks for you because you can’t see the love that I have for you. You’re blind to the lengths I’d go to help you get better. Unfortunately, the first step is admitting it to yourself. Honestly… at this rate I’m not sure you will.

If you ever decide to destroy this nightmare just know one thing. I will always be there, holding your hand, encouraging you, and supporting you.

If you never admit that this nightmare exists then please know something. Regardless, I love you more than you will ever know and that will never change. You have buried your strength but you will always be strong enough to conquer your addiction. It doesn’t have to own you. You have the power of owning it, you just need to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you.

Forever and always,

-Bon

Why I decided to post something so personal

Substance abuse, of any kind, is more common than you might think. 1 in 5 families live, or have lived, with someone suffering from alcoholism at least once during their childhood. The emotional toll that it takes on children, spouses, extended family members, and friends is huge. Some children (or other’s involved) suffer from depression, some turn to substances of their own, others give up and forget about family as a whole.

I do not claim to have any answers. Truth is, I don’t have a clue what the right thing to do is or how one should cope with such difficult situations.

I personally believe that no one can make that decision for you – you know how you feel, they don’t. I can tell you that I’ve experienced and/or witnessed everything from a suicide attempt all the way to completely giving up on the abuser. Literally all sides of the spectrum, then some in between.

The only advice I have for you:

• You aren’t alone, even though you might feel like you are.
• Therapy is never a bad thing. In fact, it shows your strength and it’s admirable. Though it isn’t right for everyone, it’s okay if it’s right for you.
• Don’t turn to alcohol, drugs, or sex for answers. You won’t find any, I promise you that. Rely on family and friends instead.
• The most important advice I can give you: If you do decide to give up on the abuser completely all I ask is that you make sure you won’t have any regret later on in life. There’s a chance that this person might sober up in 5, 10, 20 years and you’ll want them back in your life. Make sure you’ll be able to live with all of the months or years they might miss of your life because you chose to give up on them. Graduation, wedding, first born, etc.
  • Side note – if that’s what’s right for you then by all means, do what’s best for you. I just want you to think of all of these options. Regardless, I support any and all decisions. Judgement free.

Support systems for families and friends:

• Al Anon  – alcohol
• Nar Anon -addiction to narcotics

You are never alone. You are strong. You are beautiful. You can get through this.

#FindBeautyInEverything – The Bon