10.16.15

There are days in our lives where we feel like giving up is our only option. There are days in our lives when we feel like no one understands us and the only thing that makes sense is death. These days are particularly challenging because we feel so misunderstood and unwanted that the only thing that brings us any stability is the thought of ridding the world of our existence. Knowing that if we eliminate ourselves from the world then we can no longer be a problem and an inconvenience to those that mean the most to us.

Picture this

An exquisite young woman who’s a few months into her first semester of college. She has a personality that captivates everyone around her and a smile that knocks men off their feet. She has beauty and grace that most wish for and a heart of gold. She is truly magnificent. She is constantly surrounded by friends and never misses a Friday night out with her girls. She’s the life of the party and always wears a bright, beautiful smile on her face.

She seems like she has it all and loves all life has to offer her. But what you can’t see, underneath the charming smile and the dazzling clothes, is all of the hate she’s feeling just for being her, for being trapped in her own vicious cycle of self loathing. What her friends can’t see are all of the days spent laying in bed just staring at the blank wall against her bed. All of the days she laid there feeling numb and meaningless wishing she could put an end to all of the pain circulating through her body. What everyone in her life was blind to was the emptiness that overpowered her so much that she found herself inches away from ending all of her suffering.

Exactly 3 years ago today

October 16, 2015 was the day that she attempted to eliminate all of her problems. All she had to do was take one more step and all of those challenging days would disappear, as would she, forever.

October 16, 2015 a stranger, or maybe a guardian angel, stopped her just in time. This person appeared when she needed someone most and not only held her hand but showed her she’s worthy of a second chance to fall in love with life again.

From that day on this magnificent woman decided that life was still worth living.

October 16, 2018; she is conquering every obstacle that is thrown her way. She is positively changing children’s lives every day at work. She knows her self worth and she refuses to let someone else diminish her progress. She is building the best version of herself, the version she loves.

“I’m going to make you so proud – note to self,” “Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can,” “It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine – Eeyore,” “You have to be at your strongest when you’re feeling at your weakest.”

The quotes above were the motivational quotes that helped, and continue, to help her reach and maintain the feeling of stability and happiness within.

Depression is a constant battle. There are certain triggers that ignite feelings of bleakness, paranoia, and animosity; triggers that you can’t escape or avoid. But, throughout the battle you grow stronger and stronger, you learn how to cope and manage those intense feelings, and you begin to control your depression instead of it controlling you.

I’m so proud of you

Jetta, my wonderful twin, I’m so very proud of you. You have come so far and you have shown so much grace, elegance, and beauty along the way. You are such a special person and the amount of strength you possess is astounding. You make the world a much better place and I’m blessed I get to experience life with you. I’d be lost without you and it makes my heart so incredibly happy knowing that I didn’t have to say goodbye to you 3 years ago. Continue finding beauty in everything.

For her I’d risk it all. For her I will not fall.

#FindBeautyInEverything – The Bon